Dr. Michael R. MacDonald
We all have a little narcissism in us. Don’t we?
Hopefully not too much. We don’t want to be the person sucking all the air of the room and leaving little for others.
Even a little narcissism is hard to avoid in today’s world, where we are often comparing ourselves with others. And competing with others to get ahead.
Self-comparison can amplify and erode our self-confidence, especially in a social media world. Seeing others do so well (apparently) can make us feel like we don’t measure up.
I think we could do with more self-confidence and less narcissism. The world would be a better place. And here’s why.
First a Little Foundation Building
Let’s start with some clarification.
Narcissism and self-confidence may appear similar on the surface. We see people at a party or a meeting and they seem to be full of self-confidence. They are mingling easily with others, laughing and may be commanding the centre of attention.
But a closer look may show, not just how they act, but also how they treat others in their group. Are they monopolizing the conversation? Do they diminish others contributions? Appearances do not always tell the whole story.
Here are some key differences between narcissism and genuine self-confidence.
Focus and Empathy
Narcissists are mostly self-focused and often lack empathy for others. They have a sense of self-importance and believe they are unique and deserving of special treatment. They often do not see others in the same light. Nor are they willing to share the light.
Confident individuals, on the other hand, have a healthy sense of self-worth and believe in their abilities without needing constant validation from others. They are more likely to consider the well-being of others and strive to lift others up.
Response to Criticism and Fault
People with narcissistic traits have trouble admitting fault and may react defensively or aggressively to criticism. They are likely to demean others to maintain their sense of superiority.
Confident individuals can take responsibility for their actions and are open to constructive criticism. They do not feel the need to prove themselves constantly and maintain emotional stability regardless of others’ opinions.
People with genuine confidence know and appreciate that constructive feedback is a useful source of self-improvement.
Relationship with Others
Narcissists often have trouble with genuine connection. Instead, they tend to exploit others for personal gain. They may perceive others in their social network as neurotic, and disagreeable. They tend to and are hyperaware of others’ opinions, constantly seeking affirmation.
Individuals with high self-confidence feel close to others in their social network and perceive them as intelligent, likable, and kind. They are more likely to have lower levels of anxiety and depression and exhibit prosocial behavior.
Vulnerability and Boundaries
Narcissists may exploit others’ vulnerabilities and disrespect boundaries to feel superior. They often use others’ weaknesses to their advantage and may push people beyond their limits.
Confident individuals respect boundaries and are comfortable with their own vulnerabilities. They can share their experiences without making everything a competition and can accept “no” for an answer.
Brief Summary
Both narcissism and self-confidence can manifest as assertiveness and boldness. However, the underlying motivations and behaviors are distinct. Narcissism is characterized by self-centeredness, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy toward others.
In contrast, self-confidence is rooted in a healthy self-belief that respects others and fosters positive win-win interactions. Self-confident individuals can celebrate others’ successes without feeling threatened. They can build trust through open and respectful communication.
Can Narcissism Hurt?
Narcissism can hurt ourselves and other people in several significant ways. Let me shed a little light here.
Lack of empathy: Narcissists can feel and show little empathy, making them unable to understand or relate to others’ feelings. This allows them to repeatedly engage in hurtful behaviors without feeling the emotional consequences of their actions.
Emotional manipulation: Narcissists may charm and cater to someone’s needs initially, only to become abusive when their own needs aren’t met, creating an emotional rollercoaster for those around them.
Blame-shifting and projection: To protect their fragile self-image, narcissists often blame others for their own shortcomings and project their negative traits onto those around them. This can leave victims feeling confused and responsible for the narcissist’s behavior.
Devaluation: Narcissists may suddenly devalue and discard people, partnerships, and friendships without hesitation. This abrupt abandonment can be extremely painful for those who have become emotionally invested in the relationship. Others may feel diminished and resentful when exposed to this narcissistic behaviour.
Gaslighting: Some narcissists engage in gaslighting, a form of psychological manipulation that makes victims question their own perceptions and reality. This can have severe long-term effects on a person’s mental health and self-esteem.
Creating emotional instability: The constant shifts between charm and abuse can create a state of emotional instability in those close to the narcissist, leading to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues.
It’s important to note that while all narcissists can potentially cause harm due to their lack of empathy and self-centered behavior, the degree and type of harm can vary. We all put our own needs first, some of the time. I think we cross the line when others are hurt in the process.
Becoming More Confident and Less Narcissistic
Here are some paths forward.
- More Self-confidence: Building a strong foundation that allow us to stand tall and weather challenges. Self-confidence is about inner strength and believing in ourselves.
- Less Narcissism: Minimizing our need for external validation and our need for others to believe in us. Let’s avoid the narcissistic house of cards that crumbles without constant approval.
Genuinely confident people can celebrate others’ achievements without feeling threatened. They know that someone else’s success doesn’t diminish their own worth.
Confident individuals can shift focus away from themselves and genuinely care about others’ well-being.
Remember: Narcissism exists on a spectrum – there is a little in all of us. Over time, we want to keep moving toward a healthy and genuine self-confidence.
This is the path toward a Warm Heart and a Strong Confident Mind.
Until next time, let our warm hearts soar!
Michael
michael@aWarmHeart.ca
And thank you for caring that little bit extra – it really makes a big difference.
